dear diary...today i felt excited to be online...

today i woke up smiling. i could feel something special happening to my body. i felt the energy of the internet..the heartbeat of the blogosphere. "today could be a good day..." i thought, as i stare into the dim black screen of the laptop perched in the corner at the foot of my bed beside me. my eyes widening. i do a barrel roll into the reach of my trackpad and keys...still warm. it felt good to online. i check my forum, a post with my username on it on page 1. i click this thread...



i often find that to be thought of feels good. i clicked this link feeling anticipation. before the url loads i recalled immediately memories of months ago during the veckatimest period of the grizzly bear era in which my ode to "cheerleader" was recognized. amongst HRO recognition edward droste of grizzly bear had assured me personally that this youtube was very big within the gay community. i had been into the gay subgenre for some time now and felt proud of my achievements



this was a nice introduction to a well written and sensible post by the blog author, carles (please support hornitos tequila). he seemed to have a strong grasp on my plight as a fan of indie music but at the same time nailed the feeling of longing for the impossible. formations of deep and personal connections with no one on the other end to answer. this feeling of feeling by proxy. internet based emotional bonding. st vincent is very real to me, especially when watched in HD. have i, on the other hand made even the slightest dent in st vincent's perception? does st vincent care that i care??????





some interesting questions raised. carles seemed to understand and identify with the struggles of the male based sexuality well. i felt highly of this post and felt proud to be exemplified

i tab back over to the thread of the forum i will not refer to by name. in this thread certain members seem to feel comtempt for carles and his purpose. they attempt to sabotage a thread in our honor for their own personal gain. the same members that disrespect me, i had noticed. these are the members that share similar and likeminded traits. nearing or over 30...9-5...wife and kids..mortgages...ham-n-egg breakfasts...the worthless crutches of their existence that are not my own. i feel anger for the members that sit on a forum all day and interact strictly within the confines of the threads i don't care about, only to branch out into threads they have no business in to attack our characters. doing nothing to progress our forum forward, but can have the disregard to portray me and even carles, who did not ask for your critique in a negative light. the users that actively discuss what is being had for lunch and feel general contentment with their output and roles on our message board but reject the idea of being passionate about the things that mean everything to you????

i thought about my blog...the blog that i've dedicated to the message board. "i feel hate for my forum", i had realized. i cannot be expected to update my personal blog with the recent going ons of a forum i do not enjoy to read or connect with. this seems counterproductive to my selfesteem. your forum is a disruption to the chill wave movement that i now live for. the other day a chill wave washed up to shore and i understood life...i had realized that i was not your "chill wave" to ride anymore. you tore me down when i meant for you to lift me up. you misunderstood my intent and knew that i was very impressionable but lacked sensitivity to my feelings and sexuality. you stunted my growth as a human being and feel a strong despair in my heart for this. never again do i hope another member has to feel this pain that i feel....