i am following st vincent online

a couple years back i used to stalk my girlfriend online...made me feel like a big man. this was very healthy and kept me actively involved in the control of her life which is the cornerstone of a strong lasting relationship. even got stalked back...perfect. it feels nice to have a hobby. more recently i've been feeling like i like to follow a girlfriend surrogate of mine. this girl named annie.. annie clark. st vincent. that's my chick. something about this chick...began writing emails and myspaces to those that could potentially enable me to come closer. some long and personal with very passionate intent. some to those that i know she knows. some acquaintances. some to friends of friends. no one has the courtesy to even write me a reply. not even a "good luck." seems i'm being shut out by the industry. i remember back in the day when the indie rock community would bend over backwards to help a guy out that were down on his luck. guys like me. the arcade fire had just put out a generation defining work of art that had changed our lives forever. animal collective were making music with acoustic guitars and joanna newsom had just introduced the new instrument the harp. bands treated each and every fan like a member of their family and would sooner die than risk making you feel bad about yourself. i feel depressed with my life. no one identifies with my purpose. signed up with twitter the other day solely to follow st vincent. (www.twitter.com/ryan_dicks to follow me follow st vincent). i like to watch st vincent twitter online. it is the closest i have come to her given my limited resources. installed "echofon" so i can receive browser alerts immediately after she's posted a new tweet rather than refresh her page several times hourly as i was doing previously. i love to reply. i reply to them all. she writes me nothing back.......



now this is a good answer. i feel likeminded and connected to st vincent when i read this. it's probably the best question followed by the best answer i have ever read. this interview was done in march 2008 and st vincent has since rearranged the priorities of her life. st vincent now rarely updates her blog and hardly seems to love it...its content reads like short excerpts taken from some kind of a monthly st vincent newsletter. feels mad impersonal. i'm not convinced it's her even writing it. could be her manager...maybe her violinist. twitter being my first chance at intimate face to face interaction with st vincent i felt i came on a little strong. the blog is out. her myspace is most likely "fan" or "label" ran. twitter feels like my last chance at happiness. was not sure if she'd received my previous pleas for help that i'd asked scene insiders such as edward droste, carles, gorillavsbear, her manager, etc to personally deliver on my behalf and had to ensure she knew this was important. i felt excited for this opportunity. i wake up around noon to no @'s sent back and felt the disappointment of a broken heart...she had since posted a new unrelated tweet that followed my chain of tweets while i slept and felt strong anxiety and humiliation for being written nothing in return. still not very familar with this new social networking tool and wondered if she maybe put a block on my account. i had signed up a second twitter and followed myself to block myself to test this theory. came to learn that when a follower is "blocked" you are no longer listed under that blocked user's "following" list. st vincent is still under my "following" list and that is good. (**edit 11/9/2009: has now officially been blocked) looked further into this and read that under settings you can set the option of only receiving replies to your twitters from the people you follow. this hurts my feelings. cannot give up. i want to believe that st vincent just isn't receving my tweets. this has taken a severe toll on my selfesteem. i start to feel judgemental of st vincent. i start to believe that maybe she does receive all my tweets and makes the personal choice to rather ignore or not read them. i start to believe maybe my emails were brought to her attention and she just had chosen not to care. this disturbs me. this behavior conflicts with the portrait i have painted of st vincent in my mind. i want to believe that st vincent is welcoming to my persistence and feels thankful to accept my problems as her own and to not ignore me and my problems. obsessive-compulsive tendencies are not a disorder but in fact an essential trait of character and is something to be admired. i want st vincent to care about my life. i care so much about st vincent's personal life and often wonder why she does not care for mine in return. is this how you treat your fans? like shit??????

all i want st vincent is to let you know what you mean to me and to see if you will send me something personal in the mail to my house to console my feelings. something that i can touch that i can put beside me on my bed or even a piece of paper with your handwriting on it such as a letter of understanding and acceptance. i feel like this is something i need to have. when you come back to san francisco to perform live i want to be there front and center and do not want this rocky beginning to our friendship to create a discouraging energy between us as i gaze into you and you into me and i think i need to hug you and tell you "thank you for everything" afterwards and have my picture taken with you with my arm around your shoulder smiling. i am afraid this won't happen because this is so important to me. it is not wrong to want a friend...friends are what life is all about. st vincent is my best friend...