2010..damn...haven't been on in a min...gonna do a blog

looks like i'm officially back online...my first post since. did a 2 month+ bid in canada. those that follow me closely may have seen two accompanying youtube vids at the time when i first left. one of my arrival to my girlfriend's apt in real-time, the second being a brief explanation of my then undetermined online hiatus and brief goodbye. it was not my intent for anyone to believe that i just up and disappeared like some kinda pussy...that's my life you're fuckin w/, plus i don't play games. both vids were shortly shelved at the demand of my gf. neither very good but served their purpose for the time they were allowed up..

while away from home my online presence was to remain unavailable and distant. any kind of online interaction/stimulation was to be discouraged and an immediate psychotic trigger for my gf. stayed on lurk. had my ass fucking kicked several times regardless...that's how it goes. no vids made this time. was not allowed to record. a much different energy from my previous visits. looks like this is the end. i am feeling sad for my loss..i am feeling optimism in my return home. i did some crying. yea, i'll do some more. so what??? she was especially emotional and manic in my last few days there, almost made me secondguess my common sense and fall back into old patterns. have to be strong. this is for the best. i will talk more about this another time. i just been reflecting on my life i guess..got a lot of shit on my mind. how the same things that bring such joy can cause such great pain..philosophical as hell..life's great mysteries. i guess god got a plan for everyone...

on the airplane after sitting uncomfortably in the middle of a man and woman for over 3 hours i finally muster up the courage to ask her if i can get up..took a nice long piss in the lavatory sink as to not touch the toilet. checked my reflection in the mirror...nice. the bathroom is right at the end of the airplane where the attendants prepare our prepacked snacks and drinks. i decided to just hang out, stretch my legs..cop a feel on the atmosphere. i stood there in the same spot for about 20 minutes staring at the floor, which i believe disturbed the flight attendant eating her lunch across from me. saw about 20 people come and go to use the bathroom. several had asked me if i was also waiting, my reply generally being "no i'm standing" before looking back down, squeamishly. a line starts to form. it's up to about 3 now. a small foreign woman manages to cut before a man and woman. i can't help but notice this woman's phoenix twang, as the plane was destined for there. she certainly dressed like she was from phoenix, from my perception of what phoenix is like. from phoenix this plane travels to ontario, CA, and then to SFO, where i get off. the foreign woman is in the bathroom now, audibly vomiting. i humorously say to the woman "well, that's my cue" before i begin to walk back to my seat. she is laughing now, i walk on. i am chuckling, too. i turn around to give her the courteous head-turn and smile to acknowledge that she is laughing at the joke i told. a warm feeling. the man and woman who i sat between are now enjoying great conversation in the 25 minutes i was gone after we all had sat in silence for hours prior...i felt bad to break this up. they continued to flirt with one another as i sit between them until they had no more things to talk about and go back to staring forward. i pretend to go to sleep again as to avoid any potential eye contact. i really just wanted to look out the window. there were no tv's on this flight. i wrote southwest an email about that. on my flight 2 months ago i brought my st vincent "actor" lp cover with me on the plane. people looked at it and me very strangely as i walk through the airport. i did a video of it with my camera hanging off my neck but it didn't catch any of the reactions. i felt brave enough before leaving to make a video where i talked even in front of people but was not able. the only positive feedback i got being when a man saw it tucked under my arm walks up to me while waiting to board and says, "great record"...that's a stupid ass thing to say to someone. who just walks up and says some shit like that..i just said "i know." i didn't have the room to carry it with me on the return flight. it got bent to shit in my roller luggage. i just had to laugh right now thinking about if the xray scanners can see inside and see her big ass face on that piece of cardboard..and they be thinking like "the fuck?? what's that shit..my dude must be crazy...", ha ha. that's funny as hell IMO

i had only two exchanges with the outside world while on hiatus. both via email, lengthy but discreet. fritz, of hipinion.com. carles of hipsterrunoff. fritz had wanted to help get me back on the forum to post freely after the crash. new board, fresh start. in my lurking, i had noticed the new board was up upon entering its familar url after being down for what felt like a long time. i registered. it was the 14th of december..i rememeber this vividly. badhat had apparently combed through the member list in the first few days while still reasonably small and intimate. he put a ban on my sn almost instantly...i did not attempt to post and was only planning to hold it until i went home to california, free to post without risking a beating. fritz being a bigtime jerkstore apologist and fulltime fan wanted to help get me back in the good graces of the lesser favorable admin, both of us clearly preferring erik. fritz has been hot for a min now..it wasn't hard to tell badhat hung on his every word. his posts feel sincere like mine felt when i had made them, i felt. the repect was mutual. i could understand why we would gravitate to one another..

we talked like old friends catching up might, ghostwrote him a couple pm's to send to badhat to work in my favor as i didn't want to make this groveling public, not for my own sense of shame but in the case that my then girlfriend were to do a jerkstore search and read that i'd been in talks with anyone of the internet, which was in fact forbidden. fritz carried out his orders but badhat rejected the idea at least initially that i should be within reason to make posts. said he "would not lift a finger to help me" which was ironic in that he was actively patrolling for me and even put a ban on the ip i was reading from. he had already lifted several fingers..that much was evident. fritz was not as persistent as was needed. seems he wanted to remain in neutral ground with badhat as to not lose his high regard, leaving my situation unresolved in the process...the true attributes of a flake. badhat is a known pushover. fritz couldn't rock the boat..i smelled pussy and had questioned his loyalty immediately. it's not often i come across people online this selfish, especially those that masquerade as a "friend"..his loss. i'd accepted this temporary defeat and would handle this when i got back home myself, NBD..though he also failed to carry this last thing i asked of him, a little elaborate joke paid for at the expense of the forum..



i didn't maxamize his full responses because nobody cares about that. this forum is in a state of shit let's not kid ourselves...open reg fucked our shit up. badhat streamlined the userlist barring highly valued HOF'ers such as renna and myself but have allowed at least 20 different new users who are day-to-day active soil our board with stupid ass opinions and topics that are gay as fuck...they don't belong here. eugenics and his fucking dumb friends spamming our leak thread with the "pm" running joke to new and gullible users in pursuit of their most anticipated leaks, ripping me off from the days where anyone who wanted an invite to what/waffles/kg/googlewave/etc i would tell to pm me, though being widely known and accepted that i never had any invites to give in the first place. i invented that brand of humor. i didn't see anyone laughing then..



this is the only screenshot i have of this, almost 2 years ago. i did this daily. up until the day i made my last post before my last banning 3 months ago. every invite to every private tracker i'm on has been through baiting legitimate members of these sites to send me an invite in exchange for invites i didn't have...the perfect misdirection. also holy lols has been allowed to post. i'm out...

now carles had wrote me just before i left..wanted me to model his upcoming tshirt campaign, to which i said "yes." carles had emailed me shortly after my second HRO writeup, in which my vids "sexy pony st vincent" and "ride the chill wave (one more time...)" were featured. i had told him that i was leaving for canada but i could still do it from there though reasonably disappointed as i was that his tshirt would not be featured within the four white walls of my grandma's bedroom. this is problematic in that taking me out of my room creates something of an "unauthentic experience", seeing me anywhere but seems taken out of context and ultimately leads to confusion. once complete, he mailed them off either way. two "genre" shirts. one navy blue, one white. size "medium"...

we spoke briefly every other day or so. sometimes about life, other times about the pending arrival of these tshirts. carles grew impatient that they had not arrived. told me he had to "launch" regardless as to create "hype" around his "tees" in time for "christmas delivery", yea ok. the next day on his website i see a big ass pic of that girl that you always see in the sidebar..goes by "bebe", advertising the new "genre" tshirt. inside this large picture is a hyperlink to an online store where you can buy one along with two others, "thank yall" and "tao lin." i felt great anxiety. i not only needed these shirts to arrive ASAP but that i would be premiering late following bebe rather than in unison, or "first", as rightfully deserved. got conan'd. bebe was not shit in my opinion..

these shirts arrive about a week later. i now have the obstacle of creating a shoot that is high concept but also within the limited amount of private time i have where my then girlfriend leaves me in her apartment alone as this would create severe friction between us. i thought, "what if i just stood there with this tshirt on with a bunch of mascara on to cover up my teenage complexion touched up with ample flash/contast looking like a fucking bitch.." but had remembered bebe had already perfected this. i thought about my latest st vincent arc that i left openended before my departure and conceptualized a suitable shot in about 10 min, taken on the same day the shirts were received...





well, this was it. the execution could have been better..lighting was off, hair looks gay as hell but felt that i had successfully incorporated my own brand unto his with little sacrifice from an artistic standpoint, while also finding that small section of her kitchen to replicate the "bleak minimalism" of my own bedroom, thereby making this a timeless piece and remaining true to self. no corporate shilling in the slightest. my sleeves rolled up for comedic effect...you can tell i work out. the other tshirt draped over the chair at my side with the st vincent "actor" lp sitting atop represents st vincent sitting beside me, likeminded in our choice for loud and street savvy fashion...in the second pic i attempt to mirror her expression which i capture perfectly, to the point that it's hard to tell what really came first, i thought. done..emailed..

no response. days feel like centuries for each day that passes. i never asked to be in this business..only replied back to a week later after "xmas break" after i had written him a strongly worded email of restlessness and rejection. his only real explanation to "ducking me" being that he was "scared" of the "st vincent meme", which i took as his opinion that st vincent "conflicts with his own brand and readership" in which i took "personally."

"that's rich.." i thought, i had felt the same way in that of st vincent's/my own brand by comparison to his..st vincent and i are far too high up on the "concept" scale to ever pander to the fifteen year olds that these shirts are being sold to. st vincent and i wouldn't wipe my ass or her pussy with these "genre" shirts if you paid us to. our "genre" cannot be classified in the form of a tshirt, something carles failed to realize prior to its creation. last time i checked, st vincent had 310K+ followers on twitter....by my math that's 310 thousand+ tshirt sales you just missed out on. not to mention my 150+ youtube subscribers. our sh*t does iron man numbers on the daily..like i feel like i'm j hova, st v is puffy in that we'e not unlike professional black businessmen of our niche internet market..we singlehandedly changed the game, we shut shit down..it is what it is. carles clearly were not built for this. just my observation...

if you are interested in the purchase of a medium "american apparel" pressed "genre" shirt in white or navy blue please contact me for pricing. glad to smear a bodily function of your choice on either. support local/independent artists...C.R.E.A.M...

carles and i however remain cool. not looking to divide our viewership into "teams" over a misunderstanding such as a "ryan dicks is to conan as carles is to leno" scenario which is my take at topical humor. that shit would go viral fast as hell probably..i have too much friends and family to spend any time worrying about that. the recent tragedy in haiti really put life into perspective IMO..i can't speak for carles personally. i will work together more closely with carles for the next one as to reach a mutual satisfaction between us without compromising either's artistic merit or vision. probably gonna fly out to wherever bebe lives for a collaborative joint..i don't really have any moral objection to "railing out" a teen..we're both models so that's ok. what is she like 15. i don't really know. i'm still pretty young i guess. did an 18 y/o last year. maybe more on that later. i am glad to be back to express myself online. glad to be back home and not depend on others to speak on my behalf. the freedom of speech is a powerful thing..i think rosa parks was mad influental in this respect. doing what you want because that's how you feel is what it's all about. glad to be back home free and ready to twitter st vincent on the reg who i have not written to since i left to tell her i wasn't allowed anymore. can't wait for her feb 8 show in sf but i may be homeless. grandma moved all my shit stacked against one wall..my room is being used as a family guest room now while i set up my laptop in the corner of the living room, sleeping on the couch. there's a couple shitkids running around right now in fact. i am being driven out. i wish i had the privacy to put a youtube. had all these planned room renovations and it's all just gone to shit. even ordered a ps3. i don't have anywhere to put it now. i started crying...i wish you saw that shit. hope avatar is still in theaters..did not go outside in the entire 2+ months i was gone, showered only twice a week. heard jay reatard died...so that's good. drop ur comments...peace...